Updated: Nov 14
December 18, 2017 is a day I will never forget. Watching a loved one struggle for breath and then experiencing the grace of God fill a room is horrifying and amazing. Feeling the presence of angels take my grandma into a place of celebration and healing is a blessing I will hold onto forever. The aftermath that follows such an event is just as impacting but the desire to forget it is earnest. Questions, concerns, family drama, interactions with selfish people, expectations and trust for friends diminished. A hope built by unrealistic expectations gone because the actions chosen by people are fastened tight.
You see, it’s not the passing of my grandma that brought anger, sadness, and a lost feeling into my heart but the many issues that were never resolved. Every memory of the hurt people embarked upon me at age 16 when my grandma first got diagnosed with the terminal illness were crushed and avoided. But now, that she is dancing and singing with other loved ones in heaven, the avoided issues are rushing to the surface and well…here I sit.
I’m sharing all of this to bring light and honesty to both me and you. For 8 years I made a choice not to allow God to see, touch, hear, or begin healing my heart of hurt and pain. Now, the consequences are being felt. Anxiety has developed deep within my mind and body. Anger is overflowing from me and I can’t seem to control it. It was recently brought to my attention that I seem to be okay because of the encouragement and truth I share within each post. The reality of it all was also brought to my attention: if I am not okay, I need to be accepting and believing of my own encouragement and truth. It really is true what they say, “Easier said than done.”
Honestly, I’m having conflict when it comes to choosing healing and freedom. A part of me is still wanting to hold onto negative feelings because of the control it brings. True healing is brought about by complete trust in God. Complete trust is only experienced through humility, acceptance, and true acknowledgment that the Gospel is enough. Yes, it is all a LOT overwhelming. Quite frankly, I am battling my flesh. It wants so badly to keep my façade up and hurt in private. Yet, the Holy Spirit pleads me to be honest with myself and others. He beckons to allow and continue healing of all the anxiety and anger.
“My motto is we are all broken so let’s be broken together,” An excellent accountability partner shared this with me about a month ago. It wasn’t until the past week or so that I truly accepted this motto for my very own. I am still praying for the desire to bring my brokenness to others but I know eventually I will delight in it. The first step is admitting you have a problem right? By admitting and being humble with each of you, I urge you to do the same. Be real with yourself. Be real with others. Don’t wait 8 years to begin healing from hurt… learn from my mistake and be real with God. Let him see, touch, hear, and heal your brokenness. Then bring people along side you to be broken and healed with. I don’t know how that looks quite yet but let’s find out together. The best part of all of this is YOU ARE NOT ALONE! We are all broken, it’s choosing to be honest with yourself and be willing to be broken together that develops freedom and joy (or rather that’s what she keeps telling me, but I believe her).