Let Go, Let God

Super hope you all enjoyed the first blog in this series! If you haven't read it yet I STRONGLY encourage it. There is no real order to what comes first or second, just how my journey came to be. Letting go requires a trust and full belief in God's control and sovereignty. Though I have not graduated in this area yet, it is much easier to have faith my prayers are being heard as well as believing God has Complete Control. He really is not surprised by anything. Recently, I have found that this is only part of experiencing FULL freedom. You see, about two weeks ago, the more severe anxiety/panic that "went away" came back. As I expressed my concern with a friend, she simply asked: Are you truly surrendering? My first reaction went something like this, "Are you kidding me? I've spent my whole life doing exactly what God has asked. I may have not enjoyed every minute but jeez I did it. No doing it my way, just continuously going hard after God's perfect plan." A very apparent anger filled my heart. Although, I did not verbalize the previous statement, I sure thought about it A LOT later that evening. What I did confess however is the anger dwelling deep within. I'm not sure what full surrender looks like fully; however, I doubt it reveals itself in anger...which later revealed itself as pride.

Are you following hard after Jesus yet still experiencing bondage? Or have you lived in freedom once upon a time but life caught you by surprise and now you're broken? My bondage, my brokenness is anxiety (a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks). Just like many of you, I am struggling. My bondage/brokenness has lead me to seeking outside help. Since December, I have been seeing a counselor. For months and even now, as I feel lead to share this, it is not something I am proud of or something I look upon lightly. Honestly, there is a big part of me that is embarrassed by the fact I couldn't help myself (pride). However, God brought me on this journey of full surrender the moment I said yes to ask someone else, a stranger, for help. Of course, this may not be your first step; however, it will be uncomfortable, bring light to sin, and begin to provide healing.

I did not know my journey of full surrender would start with counseling; yet, everyday I thank God for pushing me to step out of my comfort zone. The second part of this surrender, was becoming okay with whatever bondage/brokenness God allowed to be apart of my story. (This is where "Letting go, Letting God: He goes before you" came into play). Now that my heart is catching up with my mind, about how trustworthy and in control God really is, I am now beginning the third chapter of my journey. Becoming okay with anxiety being a part of my story. Being okay with the fact that it is not going to disappear forever (although I believe God can do that too). Graciously and lovingly, my Creator chose me to experience all that I have (even anxiety) to bring glory to His name. I only half believe what I just wrote. But about two weeks ago when I fell back into experiencing anxiety/panic hourly again I could not even whisper those words from my lips. Yet another step to full surrender.

Let's take a moment to recap. The first step towards full surrender will be uncomfortable, bring light to sin, and begin to provide healing. The second step is becoming okay with whatever bondage/brokenness God has allowed into your life, which means trusting His full control. The third step is being honest with God and beginning to approach His throne like a child. Being honest in my world encompasses lots of admitting of anger, irritation, and bitterness. As well as telling God just how ridiculous I think His plan is. And of course I share with Him how hard and unfair life is. Then I go on to complain about all those hard and unfair things. After that I have a couple days of silence between the two of us. (really I just refuse to interact because I am so angry and it doesn't always last days or even hours anymore) Finally, I begin to get back into His word and am able to worship once more. The second part of step three I am just now discovering. Being honest can also look like pleading for help; yet, expecting, God to act. Just like a child asks for help, from someone who loves them, and expects them to act in some way. Now God may not help in the way we see fit. Although, He ALWAYS provides EXACTLY what we need. In my case, peace and comfort. Zephaniah says, "The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Psalm 37:23 also talks about God delighting in you, "The steps of a man are established by the LORD, And He delights in his way." My counselor is constantly reminding me that no matter my brokenness/bondage God desires to help me. He delights (is pleased) with me. Again, just like a child. I am always reminded about what Matt Chandler says about God's delight. It is the same as a parent with a baby just learning to walk. Whether they are walking upright, stumbling around, or falling there is always clapping. God is constantly clapping for you! Within full surrender, you need to me okay with being cheered on and encouraged by the One who created you. Approaching the throne like a child. Another little tip is all throughout the day when brokenness/bondage creep up on you. Tell God you are coming to Him for a hug, a HUGE embrace that is much needed because you are struggling. I know it may sound lame but IT HELPS!

The journey towards full surrender will look different for each of you. However, three things I have found can help guide towards letting go and letting God. 1. It will be uncomfortable, bring light to sin, and begin to provide healing. 2. Become okay with whatever bondage/brokenness God has allowed into your life, which means trusting His full control. 3. Be honest with God and begin to approach His throne like a child.

P.S. If counseling has taught me anything, it is to NOT be ashamed of your brokenness. God desires for us to be broken together. It's a matter of being willing to take the plunge with others.