Updated: Nov 14
Hello all! I cannot believe it's been 8 months since my last blog post. As I look back on previous writings, I can only see God preparing me for what has come in those LONG but life changing weeks and days. So before I begin, let's catch up! You all know I like lists, so I am going to make a list of changes that have happened from November 2018 to July 2019....
1. I moved to NC!
2. My dad is officially a Lieutenant.
3. I graduated counseling.
4. Going to counseling again.
5. Got a full time job with BENEFITS!
6. Go to Elevation.
7. Serve with Ekids at Elevation.
8. Have 4 new friends.
9. Bought a CAR!
10. Had someone back into my new car.
11. Found a new doctor, hair dresser, and coffee shop.
12. Learned how to deal with insurance.
13. Took a hiatus from social media.
14. Went through some serious levels of anxiety/depression.
15. Went without a T.V. or wifi for like 2 weeks (I know right, what was I thinking?)
16. Have seen God move in ways I have never experienced before.
17. Learned how to budget.
18. Playing piano again.
19. Decorated my first ever apartment!
20. And so many other GREAT adulting things like paying bills, grocery shopping for one, setting up electricity/water, renting an apartment, ect.
YIKES! It is just as overwhelming as it looks/sounds. And amidst all of this, God is incessantly asking me to write a blog. For at least a week now, I have asked God multiple times...."What should I write about?" And the answer has been, "Your life Alexandra." My response, "Nobody wants to hear about my broken, barely holding it together, mundane life." And with a gentle nudge He reminds me that it is those who are vulnerable and willing to be broken with others that make an impact for His kingdom. So for the next few paragraphs, my desire is to be broken with you, to gently remind you that despite all of our icky God is working and moving.
Here we go......
So you would think that if God calls you to do something it will be easy right? No, not right. I was reminded last night that the church began in oppression but it also FLOURISHED. Jesus told us that the world hated him and the world will hate us too. When you say yes to Jesus it brings so much joy but also puts a target on your back. Of course, you all know me, I am a dreamer so I only saw the blessings to come, the friends to come, the new amazing experiences the big city would bring, not realizing I would have to let go of more than I have gained thus far. High expectations have always been my biggest let down. So I cannot even describe to you how devastating the past 2 months have been. A constant battle with anxiety, a dark, scary, battle in the mind I have never experienced before, a homesickness I can only describe as a version of unique grief, and so many more small little things that have been truly attempting to take over my desperate effort to enjoy the journey that I cannot name them all. So how in the world am I supposed to try to feed myself, excel at my new job, and take care of my cat when I literally cannot take care of me? I know this is going to sound cliche but Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. There have been so many nights where that is literally all my vocal cords could speak. Without God's extremely beautiful provisions of people both here and in WV I could not make it. The war that raged in my mind the first 3-4 weeks of living by myself could only be won by the power of God Almighty. It was so traumatizing, as I write this tears rush down my face because mental/emotional attacks are real and something to not take lightly.
So like what happened next?
Well, I would love to say I am healed of mental/emotional instability, all my anxieties are gone, and I am not super homesick but the brutal truth is I am no where close. The war in my mind is not raging anymore but there is still a very distinct battle Jesus and I are fighting, or as I am learning through amazing teaching that none of this is my battle but God's. I literally feel like months of counseling is not even helping my anxiety. Obviously that is not the case, but it feels like months and months of work are almost disintegrated due to all the change. My counselor keeps reminding me that I will get back to where I just left healing wise but my belief teeters. As for my homesickness, I am beginning to figure out how to bring healing to it by letting go of what once was. Not replacing or trying to forget but by acceptance and entering into a new way of living while keeping the things that made me feel most safe intact.
Where is the hope?
According to Merriam-Webster the definition of hope is: "to cherish a desire with anticipation: to want something to happen or be true," or "to expect with confidence: trust." Although, the past two months have been a type of hard I cannot fully describe, I am beginning to be so thankful for it all. Why? Because without it my hope in Christ, my faith in His power and promises would have never developed this strongly. The amount of times I have laid hands and prayed over something and within minutes it has been answered is undoubtedly epic. And even when I laid hands and prayed over things and nothing changed, the amount of hope I was able to grasp through the fact I pushed my pride aside and asked for help is indescribable. Though I may never EVER know why the transition was/is ridiculously complicated, I can see God using every tear, every war, every panic attack for my good and His glory. Something I learned very early on in counseling was if my anxiety goes away immediately or if it never stops, God is still good. My circumstances will always be shifting but my God never changes.
So what now?
Now? I want YOU to first accept every icky, broken thing that makes up the life you are living. If you have ever had thoughts of not wanting to live this life anymore, you are not alone. You are NEVER alone and if more people would choose vulnerability life would be so much more beautiful and even easier to experience. Therefore, take the step to be broken with the world. Don't hide the fact your life is hard, that today is a day of mental struggles, that you ate the extra cookie because you are sad, that your relationships are failing, that right now you feel completely overwhelmed with grief, or insert the that statement pertaining to your life. Next? Pray. Talk to God with hope. Fervently expect him to answer. Even if He doesn't, be able to say He is good and working even when you can't see or it is not within your expectations. Finally? Grow. Choose to transform into a better you while attempting to enjoy your journey. Allow God to not only spiritually grow you, but mentally, emotionally, physically, nutritionally, and within a community.
Thanks for reading and as always,
Enjoy the Journey